BLAHHHH

Ok seriously, it is about to get all whiney up in here! I am just DOWN and I need to think out loud here for my own sanity.
I choose not to leave my home because all I can fit into right now is some huge scrubs I bought at D.I and a really baggy grey t-shirt that says ARMY on it. I don't know how to dress this body. I have never been this big before and I need Stacy London to come over here and tell me what not to wear, or what to wear, whichever comes first. I don't have the energy to go into the bathroom and fix my hair or face (which is all broken out, oh yeah, it's gross) and guess what, I'm having crazy braxton-hicks contractions. At 12 weeks. I had 3 last night that were actually pretty intense, and a little painful. I am drinking more water than is humanly possible and trying to stay down, when I DO stuff I contract. Doc says to drink lots of water and lay down. DONE. I passed my first pregnancy related kidney stone last week which was pretty small and I was able to pass at home so that's good. Let's hope the little guy doesn't have big brothers and sisters and uncles and twice removed viking relatives following behind. Pray for me!! LOL

Anyways, physically speaking, I am ok. But these hormones are makin me crazy!! I'm thinking too much. My mind races, I cry over everything, then I get mad at people for things that are my fault. I really just want to crawl into a dark hole for a while, but then again I don't want to be left alone with my crazy self.

I am super stressed about our business. There I said it. I am working on finishing up the last of my editing and then it is time for a nice long siesta...well, not a nap, but a break from the photography business until next year.  My clients have been so incredibly patient waiting for me to get their pictures to them. I normally only take about 2 weeks from start to finish on a session, but I am like 2 months behind. I work at it every day while Jared is at Kindergarten and Ashton is down for a nap and then again at night after the boys are in bed but I feel like the progress I am making is so little. I keep telling myself "One bite at a time..." because this is the biggest elephant I have ever had to eat. I WAS NOT aware that I would be this tired my third time around!

 BOO HOO poor me!

Ok, I am done whining. Really, I am so blessed. And, after putting this all down in print, it has made me realize how stupid and temporary it all is. When we finally decided to have another baby we knew the risks and the sacrifices and I knew it would likely be difficult for us as a family. But there is such a huge difference in being outside of a situation and actually being in the thick of it! I am so grateful I have this blog, I think getting out my feelings and sharing with others can be such a blessing during a difficult time. I think it helps me feel more human, especially on days like today. I try to be stoic, and I am not very good at letting others help me or showing my feelings, a HUGE sign of pride, which I am aware of..but this time around, I know I will need help. I'm not talking about help at home or with the kids (which we will gladly accept!) but I am talking about moral support, and just having people there, yeah even online, who are aware of the situation and aware of how I am feeling...often I feel like I don't deserve this type of support, I don't feel like I give it to others enough, but I was very alone with my other pregnancies, I wouldn't let anyone in, I wouldn't accept help or friendship and then felt hurt because nobody (except for my wonderful Mother, husband and Father-in-law!) ever called me or came to see me in the hospital....yet... I had pushed everyone away. I don't want it to be that way this time around. I have grown up a bit since then, and I know a lot more about myself and a lot more about life.

Anyways, thanks for reading, thanks for your comments, I do appreciate them.

{a little sidenote:
For those of you that are wondering, my pregnancies with Jared and Ashton were difficult. I had kidney stones throughout and preterm labor, in and out of the hospital and just completely miserable. I gave birth at 31 and 32 weeks with the boys and they were both in the NICU for a while, which is a whole different emotional rollercoaster. We are very positive about this pregnancy and hoping that the"3rd time's the charm". We are prepared for whatever happens and we have an amazing medical team on our side. This time I will be receiving P17 (17 alpha-hydroxyprogesterone caproate and yeah I totally had to copy and paste that!) shots once a week starting at 18 weeks and continuing until 37 weeks or delivery, whichever comes first, hopefully the former. So, even though I will likely have stones and kidney infections, we will be keepin' this little guy or gal cookin' as long as we can!!}