Sunday, April 18, 2010

You've done it! You wrote your first novel!

                   I have to warn you, this post started out really short and sweet at first and then I just couldn't stop typing. It's kind of like I'm just going to puke all over you..but there are pretty pictures at the end. I'm not the kind of blogger that bares it all. I don't like to blog the bad or the ugly..but I do realize it's part of life, and although I aim to focus on the positives in my life, the beauty in my life and in my children, once in a while, I realize it's ok show that I am, after all, human, and darn it, it feels good! I hope that maybe someone reading my blog can identify with what I'm dealing with, and maybe take consolation in knowing that they are not alone. After all, we all deal with struggles from time to time, if we didn't, it wouldn't be LIFE! To be completely honest, I have been struggling the past week or so..I have hypothyroidism, a condition where the thyroid gland does not produce enough thyroid hormone. ( I know, boo hoo, the worst thing ever, poor me) I have been taking Levothyroxin for about 6 years now to keep it regulated. Lately, I have been studying a lot about the power of the subconscious, listening to a lot of Anthony Robins, Dale Carnegie, and other such awesomeness, and I had started to wonder if maybe, just maybe, this "disease" was all in my head, and that within my subconscious somewhere was the power to overcome it. So I quit taking the meds. The first 2 weeks, I had started to have some headaches, nothing major. "Cool," I thought. "I can do this." After about 3 weeks of being off of the meds, I started to feel kinda crappy. It's a very frustrating there's a ton of bricks weighing me down..It's like no matter how awesome my life is, I wake up in the morning feeling so sad. I feel sluggish, I get really COLD, freezing!! I have gained 15 pounds and I feel like every day I am trudging through quicksand just to make it through the day and I wake up the next morning and have to start all over again!! This is not normal for me!! I had a dream last week where I was sitting on a park bench with Forrest Gump (how's that for random? He didn't even ask me if I wanted a "life is like a box of chocolates" chocolate!!) thinking and pondering, wondering what I was missing, wondering why I couldn't pull myself out of this slump..when suddenly, a mist appeared in front of me and out stepped a very tall, smiling, Tony Robbins. "Tony!" I said. "Tony, what is wrong with me, I want to feel the way I felt last week and the week before and the week before that! I am on a roll, I feel in charge of my dreams, my life, I am moving forward but I can't even muster up the enthusiasm to be excited about it! What is wrong with me? I have no desire to pull myself out of bed in the morning or even get dressed. I feel like I might be experiencing depression!" And Tony, in all his wisdom and tallness, put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said these three words..."Live....with passion." and he disappeared as quickly as he came. And I was like, "Ok.... I get that part, but what do I do about the depression thingy? Thanks for nothing Tony. See if I buy your next book on tape." 
     Anyways, I guess at some point, I needed to find out for myself if taking a pill was actually helping me, or just having the "placebo" effect. Through this little "experiment", if you will, I learned three things. One is that my thyroid disease is very real. Two; I must take the meds for the rest of my life as the doc has ordered and doing so does not mean I'm weak, and three; to always "Live....with passion"!
So yesterday I was having a particularly rough start to the day. I woke up with that heavy feeling deep inside, and I do have a lot on my plate right now. I woke up, went to the mirror and gazed upon my....very frightening..reflection. With black lines under my eyes and hair going every direction, I looked at myself and thought, "Ash. Really. Is it that bad? You know better! You've read all the books, you've learned to be positive in the face of adversity, you've learned to think BIG and believe that anything is possible. YOU create our own reality!! Pull yourself together girl!!" I even quoted my new favorite monologue from Rocky Balboa
(I have it memorized in case any of you need a pep talk in the future, I'm super awesome that way LOL) 
I stared at my tired freckled face, yesterday's makeup smeared under my green eyes..and with my best Sylvester Stallone voice I whispered "Ash," (that's what I call myself during a pep talk).."Ash, lemme tell you somethin' you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how big or tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can GET HIT and keep moving forward! How much you can take, and keep moving forward! Now, if you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth but you gotta be willing to take the hits and not point fingers and say you ain't where you wanna be because of him or her or ANYBODY! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!" Ok now usually when I give myself the little Rocky pep talk, I'm like "HOLLA!! I'm gonna go kick some A today!!! Yes! Look at me, look at me go!!" But yesterday, it wasn't working. It was like dark clouds had rolled in and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it off! 

                      For those of you who don't know us that well, Dave does have another job aside from being a totally amazing partner in crime our photography business adventure..and that is home security. If you need an alarm system installed, Dave is your guy. (Just don't ask him to wake up at 3 in the morning if you hear a noise..he won't) He works all over northern Utah and southern Idaho and yesterday he was working in Bear Lake. . He was about to leave and I said "Boys get in the car. We are going to work with Daddy."

                         The little trip to Bear Lake was so good for me, for all of us really.  It was such a gorgeous day and it was WARM and sunny and basically awesome. I started out being all down and mopey...but I had a lot of time during the car ride to think. I really let myself have it. I thought about how blessed I am. Holy cow I am blessed!! The SUN is SHINING, the birds are SINGING, I have two beautiful healthy little boys  asleep in the back seat, a strong, amazing man by my side who loves me more than any girl could ever dream and I have health and LIFE and a roof over my head, I have a purpose and I have dreams and goals... So what if the rent is late and business isn't exactly pounding at my door!! SO THE FREAK WHAT! You're ALIVE for heavens sake NOW START ACTING LIKE IT!!!  It actually helped a little. I slowly, softly, started to sing along with Bob Marley coming from the speakers..."Don't worry 'bout a thing....Cause every little thing..gonna be alright...singing don't worry...about a thing..." By the end of the song I was yelling it out the window and it was like the clouds lifted and suddenly the sky seemed bluer, and my heart lifted up..It was like on the Grinch where "his heart grew three sizes that day" and the little x-ray thing breaks cuz his heart swells so big..oh yeah, it was totally like that! If I had a little Xray thingy it totally would have broken! 
Then Dave ended up not having to do any installs so we just spent the day on the shore of the lake, making sandcastles and finding shells.I sat in the warm sand, with the gentle spring breeze tousling my hair, the sound of the water lapping at the children's giggles floating on the wind, taking with it all the cares of the day..

I know Jared, I didn't wanna go home either!!